Friday, July 27, 2007

Mission: Reconciliation

Today I sent an email to one of my dearest friends that I have not spoken to in two years. Our friendship endly badly and neither one of us has reached out to the other. Although I have missed our friendship, I could not reach out to her until I had come to some understanding of what had happened and why it had affected me so profoundly. Of course, the fight was about a guy - it's not what you think. I have been single for many years and flying in and out of relationships. I have had some serious ones but I never really gave all of myself to the other person. I always held back and protected my vulnerability. I never allowed myself to really depend on my significant other. I always preserved my independence. So, when my friend who shared my perspective on relationships and so-called "independence" (I now call it an inability to connect on a deeper, emotional level) branched out and began "depending" on her new boyfriend, I couldn't reconcile the two. How could she do that? So much so, that she moved away to be with him and pretty much stopped spending any time with her friends. Now that some time has passed, I have realized that my anger wasn't about her and her decisions, it was about me and my issues. Why did I react so strongly? Why was I hurt so badly? Why couldn't I rise above it and see it for what it was? I don't have the answers to any of these inner struggles but I have at least finally recognized that this is about me, not her, and not me and her. I took a natural relationship progression as a personal affront on my friendship rather than a victory for her. A victory in which she finally took a chance on herself and permitted herself to love another after being hurt and betrayed and to trust that person as much as she possibly could. I am also beginning to realize that moving away from everyone and in with my boyfriend was the greatest gift I have ever given myself. I gave myself permission to take a chance, to hope for the best, and to finally step off that cliff and spiral down into vulnerability.

UPDATE: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. My friend emailed me back expressing that she was happy to hear from me and is looking forward to becoming reacquainted. We're catching up now!